Laws of Nature

In addition to other “rules” I’ve posted in the past, I want to share with you some “Laws of Nature” a friend recently emailed me. In particular, Rules 8, 15, and 17 seem to apply pretty well to Scottsdale politics!

  1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee. [Just don’t do it in the Entertainment District.]
  2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. [Especially true if you call 911 for directions…you can’t hang up fast enough.]
  5. Supermarket Law – As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
  6. Variation Law – If you change lines [or traffic lanes, especially in Scottsdale with our “intelligent transportation system” that knows precisely how to slow you down], the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
  7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
  9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. [Insert your favorite Los Arcos joke here.]
  12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. [Not usually a problem if your office is a coffee shop.]
  13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
  15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
  17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet. [A variation on Twain’s, “Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”]
  18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  19. Doctors’ Law- If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician. [The inverse of this law is, “If your wife says your kid needs to go to the doctor, take the kid NOW no matter the day of the week, time of day, or whether YOU think the kid is sick.” The worst case if you listen to your wife is the kid isn’t sick and it costs a little money.]

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